I owned a dog with a bite history. He cost me friendships. He cost me money. He cost me so much in terms of emotional baggage.

And I rarely talked about him. Of my three dogs if you scrolled through my social media he has far fewer photos than the other two dogs.

Only a handful of people knew he had a bite history. I was embarrassed. I’m a dog trainer who specializes in dogs with serious behavior issues. I have gone to numerous seminars and conferences in the last 15 years including two Aggression in Dogs conferences. And I could not “fix” my own dog.

There is a LOT of judgment in the world. You are judged if you want to euthanize a dog for a behavior issue. You are judged if you own a dog that has bitten a person. Whatever decision you make about the dog will be wrong to someone.

My dog, Falcon, died a month ago. He was 7.5 years old. He was running beside me on a walk with his ball in his mouth and he just literally fell over and died. No warnings, no red flags just there one second and gone the next. And as I sat there crying; part of me was so relieved, which immediately made me feel so guilty because I had imagined how much easier my life would be without Falcon.

I decided to share our story.

Falcon came from a well-respected breeder. He was raised using Puppy Culture training protocols.  He was going to be my third dog in training for search and rescue. My search team was so excited when he came to his first training at 11 weeks of age. And for just over a year he did awesome.

There were minor red flags that caused me some anxiety, but I brushed them off as adolescent behaviors. Or things I could “fix” later. He would over arouse very easily especially if it concerned a ball or other toy. And that led to him being over-aroused during the antecedents of the toy appearing. So, he would spin and bark in his crate before coming out to train. He would jump up and grab my arm if I had his toy. When I tried switching rewards to food, he just wouldn’t work.

His first bite was something I only called a bite in hindsight. He had just gotten out of his crate for training and he was spinning and barking and a teammate walked up to us and Falcon jumped up, grabbed the man’s arm, immediately let go and went running off to start his search. I thought “wow, he is wound up.” 

I was on a search team full of dog trainers. We tried lots of things. We laughed at how many of my coats Falcon ended up ripping the sleeves on as he would grab my arm when over aroused. But, he always let go. It never hurt.

But, in my heart I knew I had a problem and I just wasn’t sure what to do about it. So, for reasons I am still not clear on in my heart, I left my search team and joined a different search team. I lost friends over this move and I also wasn’t honest in why I was leaving, there were just too many emotions and I didn’t deal with them well.

Somehow I had convinced myself that switching teams would give Falcon a different start and that the trainers on the second team could somehow help me more. And they did try!

A trainer was trying to help me with Falcon’s over arousal coming out of a crate when our protocols and management failed and Falcon bit her on the neck. She was bending forward toward him and lots of things went wrong and he jumped straight at her, spun and then jumped back in his crate.

My teammate was bleeding. I was devastated and crying. She had to be seen by a doctor. Other teammates started arriving. I left and sat in the woods and just cried. Had there been a veterinarian on hand at that moment I would have euthanized Falcon on the spot.

But, I rallied. Everyone agreed we did a lot of things that went wrong. I immediately consulted a board-certified behavioral veterinarian and had a session with an internationally recognized specialist on dogs with bite histories. We discovered Falcon had a bad ear infection and that he had an issue with his vertebrae that ended up requiring surgery. “Ah I thought, he has been in pain. This is the reason for all the issues.”

Everyone agreed this bite was due to a “perfect storm” of things that came together and that this confluence of events would be unlikely to happen in the exact same way again.

He had surgery, he recovered from said surgery. Falcon came back to training. I had a new routine where I got him out of his crate before we worked and gave him a chance to calm down. I had worked hard on teaching him to trade for his balls in a calm manner. I still clearly remember the training we had where everyone on the team was telling me how amazing his behavior now was in getting and giving his ball.

And then one night a teammate and I were on our way to a search area and I had Falcon on a leash when he turned and lunged and grabbed my teammate on the leg. He had been over aroused earlier by a person near our vehicle and he had been teeth chattering, but I thought he had calmed down. My teammate was bruised on her leg. I was absolutely emotionally crushed. I went far into the woods in the dark and just sat on the ground while Falcon kept licking my face.

I should have stopped his SAR training at that point. But, my emotions were as over the top as his were and instead I doubled down on that I could “fix” him and he would be a great search dog and I became angry with anyone who didn’t agree with me.

In the end I left that team as well. Again, I lost some amazing friends. (and it was my fault, I just couldn’t see what people wanted me to see).

I had my other dog at a SAR certification event and while we were waiting our turn to certify someone from another team, which was from out of state, said to me, “is this the dog that bit one of your teammates?” I was mortified. I had no idea Falcon had become a discussion point in the wider world of SAR. That became the catalyst for me to quit training with him. I realized if other groups were talking about it, it was a problem.

All of this happened in a span of about three years. It wasn’t like Falcon was out biting people right and left. We had many training sessions when he was just fine. And he was fine with the people he lived with.

The biggest issue was that I no longer trusted him. As a matter of fact, if he got near any other person I began to panic. I muzzle trained him and he went to the vet muzzled. If he was out in public he was muzzled.

Over the years Falcon developed other issues. He became an obsessive digger. And I mean obsessive. If I sat outside in my yard, he would immediately start digging a hole and would bite at the dirt so much he was constantly getting huge chunks of dirt stuck on his upper mouth. If we went on a walk and I sat down, he would immediately start digging and if he hit a root, he would grab it and worry it until it broke. Nothing I did could stop the digging.

He would also bite at his front legs and his paws. We tried allergy medications, pain medication, various combinations of anxiety medications. Nothing changed the obsessive digging or biting issues.

Then he began to become very over aroused when we got ready to go for a walk. He expressed this by fighting with one of the other dogs and he would even take Skywalker to the ground. He never bit Skywalker, but he would get his fur really wet and he was hurting Sky just by pinning him down. But he played fine with my younger dog Scout and they loved wrestling. Once our walk started Falcon would leave Skywalker alone, although certain things could trigger him to jump on Sky such as me getting up if I had been sitting on a log while Falcon was obsessively digging. Or if I said “time to go boys” he would sometimes grab Sky.

Two years ago I moved and built a house. We live down a very long lane and there are hundreds of acres around me. Even though most people living in my part of the country don’t have fences for their country dogs, I did. And there were new anxieties as friends and relatives were used to just coming up, opening the door and saying “you home?” I kept my doors locked, my garage door down and had a sign on my fence that said “dogs in yard, do not enter.”

When I designed the house I added extra doors leading outside so if needed I could get him in and out without going through the living room or kitchen just in case I did have company.

I didn’t want people to visit because I had to keep Falcon put up and he would often bark the entire time someone was in the house.

Because I am getting older, I worried about what would happen if I needed to go to the hospital or if I fell and someone had to come and help me. I could not imagine how this would work with Falcon in the house.

Meanwhile I was on an emotional rollercoaster of euthanize or not euthanize. I would talk myself into euthanize and then he would come and lay with his head in my lap. I would talk myself into not euthanize and then he would jump on Skywalker and pin him to the ground.

And then he died. And as deaths goes; his was perfect for him. He was running with his beloved ball in his mouth. We buried him with his ball where he fell. I brough Sky and Scout out one at a time to where Falcon was. Scout sniffed him for several minutes and licked Falcon’s muzzle. Skywalker came out of the truck, sniffed Falcon’s leg then ran and jumped back in the truck.

For a few days Scout would heavily detail the area where Falcon died. Sky just walked on and didn’t stop.

Skywalker is so much happier now. His entire personality changed on our walks. When I saw how much Falcon had obviously been stressing him, I felt some more guilt for not committing to euthanasia for Falcon.

Things are much easier now. I no longer panic if we are on a walk and I see someone. I just let the dogs go up to them. I have had visitors to the house and I allowed the dogs to be loose (but Skywalker said it was too much stress and he ended up in the bedroom)

If any of this resonates with you; you are not alone. If you know someone who has a dog with serious behavior issues, please be kind with whatever decisions that person makes. Our attitudes often make people hide and feel even more stressed out.

I also highly recommend the Facebook group: Losing Lulu. This wonderful support group is for people who have had an animal die or be euthanized for behavioral reasons. This heavily moderated group is an extremely safe place to post as it is for grief support and discussion only and negative comments will not be tolerated nor will posts asking “why didn’t you do …..”

Visit https://www.facebook.com/groups/losinglulu

It was on this group that a person told me I could love and miss Falcon and also be relieved he was gone.

Scout, Skywalker and I are now navigating our new normal. I still have occasional thoughts of “maybe if I had tried X” I could have helped Falcon. But, in my heart I know I did everything I could have done.