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Emotional rollercoaster: Living with a dog with a serious behavior issue

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I owned a dog with a bite history. He cost me friendships. He cost me money. He cost me so much in terms of emotional baggage.

And I rarely talked about him. Of my three dogs if you scrolled through my social media he has far fewer photos than the other two dogs.

Only a handful of people knew he had a bite history. I was embarrassed. I’m a dog trainer who specializes in dogs with serious behavior issues. I have gone to numerous seminars and conferences in the last 15 years including two Aggression in Dogs conferences. And I could not “fix” my own dog.

There is a LOT of judgment in the world. You are judged if you want to euthanize a dog for a behavior issue. You are judged if you own a dog that has bitten a person. Whatever decision you make about the dog will be wrong to someone.

My dog, Falcon, died a month ago. He was 7.5 years old. He was running beside me on a walk with his ball in his mouth and he just literally fell over and died. No warnings, no red flags just there one second and gone the next. And as I sat there crying; part of me was so relieved, which immediately made me feel so guilty because I had imagined how much easier my life would be without Falcon.

I decided to share our story.

Falcon came from a well-respected breeder. He was raised using Puppy Culture training protocols.  He was going to be my third dog in training for search and rescue. My search team was so excited when he came to his first training at 11 weeks of age. And for just over a year he did awesome.

There were minor red flags that caused me some anxiety, but I brushed them off as adolescent behaviors. Or things I could “fix” later. He would over arouse very easily especially if it concerned a ball or other toy. And that led to him being over-aroused during the antecedents of the toy appearing. So, he would spin and bark in his crate before coming out to train. He would jump up and grab my arm if I had his toy. When I tried switching rewards to food, he just wouldn’t work.

His first bite was something I only called a bite in hindsight. He had just gotten out of his crate for training and he was spinning and barking and a teammate walked up to us and Falcon jumped up, grabbed the man’s arm, immediately let go and went running off to start his search. I thought “wow, he is wound up.” 

I was on a search team full of dog trainers. We tried lots of things. We laughed at how many of my coats Falcon ended up ripping the sleeves on as he would grab my arm when over aroused. But, he always let go. It never hurt.

But, in my heart I knew I had a problem and I just wasn’t sure what to do about it. So, for reasons I am still not clear on in my heart, I left my search team and joined a different search team. I lost friends over this move and I also wasn’t honest in why I was leaving, there were just too many emotions and I didn’t deal with them well.

Somehow I had convinced myself that switching teams would give Falcon a different start and that the trainers on the second team could somehow help me more. And they did try!

A trainer was trying to help me with Falcon’s over arousal coming out of a crate when our protocols and management failed and Falcon bit her on the neck. She was bending forward toward him and lots of things went wrong and he jumped straight at her, spun and then jumped back in his crate.

My teammate was bleeding. I was devastated and crying. She had to be seen by a doctor. Other teammates started arriving. I left and sat in the woods and just cried. Had there been a veterinarian on hand at that moment I would have euthanized Falcon on the spot.

But, I rallied. Everyone agreed we did a lot of things that went wrong. I immediately consulted a board-certified behavioral veterinarian and had a session with an internationally recognized specialist on dogs with bite histories. We discovered Falcon had a bad ear infection and that he had an issue with his vertebrae that ended up requiring surgery. “Ah I thought, he has been in pain. This is the reason for all the issues.”

Everyone agreed this bite was due to a “perfect storm” of things that came together and that this confluence of events would be unlikely to happen in the exact same way again.

He had surgery, he recovered from said surgery. Falcon came back to training. I had a new routine where I got him out of his crate before we worked and gave him a chance to calm down. I had worked hard on teaching him to trade for his balls in a calm manner. I still clearly remember the training we had where everyone on the team was telling me how amazing his behavior now was in getting and giving his ball.

And then one night a teammate and I were on our way to a search area and I had Falcon on a leash when he turned and lunged and grabbed my teammate on the leg. He had been over aroused earlier by a person near our vehicle and he had been teeth chattering, but I thought he had calmed down. My teammate was bruised on her leg. I was absolutely emotionally crushed. I went far into the woods in the dark and just sat on the ground while Falcon kept licking my face.

I should have stopped his SAR training at that point. But, my emotions were as over the top as his were and instead I doubled down on that I could “fix” him and he would be a great search dog and I became angry with anyone who didn’t agree with me.

In the end I left that team as well. Again, I lost some amazing friends. (and it was my fault, I just couldn’t see what people wanted me to see).

I had my other dog at a SAR certification event and while we were waiting our turn to certify someone from another team, which was from out of state, said to me, “is this the dog that bit one of your teammates?” I was mortified. I had no idea Falcon had become a discussion point in the wider world of SAR. That became the catalyst for me to quit training with him. I realized if other groups were talking about it, it was a problem.

All of this happened in a span of about three years. It wasn’t like Falcon was out biting people right and left. We had many training sessions when he was just fine. And he was fine with the people he lived with.

The biggest issue was that I no longer trusted him. As a matter of fact, if he got near any other person I began to panic. I muzzle trained him and he went to the vet muzzled. If he was out in public he was muzzled.

Over the years Falcon developed other issues. He became an obsessive digger. And I mean obsessive. If I sat outside in my yard, he would immediately start digging a hole and would bite at the dirt so much he was constantly getting huge chunks of dirt stuck on his upper mouth. If we went on a walk and I sat down, he would immediately start digging and if he hit a root, he would grab it and worry it until it broke. Nothing I did could stop the digging.

He would also bite at his front legs and his paws. We tried allergy medications, pain medication, various combinations of anxiety medications. Nothing changed the obsessive digging or biting issues.

Then he began to become very over aroused when we got ready to go for a walk. He expressed this by fighting with one of the other dogs and he would even take Skywalker to the ground. He never bit Skywalker, but he would get his fur really wet and he was hurting Sky just by pinning him down. But he played fine with my younger dog Scout and they loved wrestling. Once our walk started Falcon would leave Skywalker alone, although certain things could trigger him to jump on Sky such as me getting up if I had been sitting on a log while Falcon was obsessively digging. Or if I said “time to go boys” he would sometimes grab Sky.

Two years ago I moved and built a house. We live down a very long lane and there are hundreds of acres around me. Even though most people living in my part of the country don’t have fences for their country dogs, I did. And there were new anxieties as friends and relatives were used to just coming up, opening the door and saying “you home?” I kept my doors locked, my garage door down and had a sign on my fence that said “dogs in yard, do not enter.”

When I designed the house I added extra doors leading outside so if needed I could get him in and out without going through the living room or kitchen just in case I did have company.

I didn’t want people to visit because I had to keep Falcon put up and he would often bark the entire time someone was in the house.

Because I am getting older, I worried about what would happen if I needed to go to the hospital or if I fell and someone had to come and help me. I could not imagine how this would work with Falcon in the house.

Meanwhile I was on an emotional rollercoaster of euthanize or not euthanize. I would talk myself into euthanize and then he would come and lay with his head in my lap. I would talk myself into not euthanize and then he would jump on Skywalker and pin him to the ground.

And then he died. And as deaths goes; his was perfect for him. He was running with his beloved ball in his mouth. We buried him with his ball where he fell. I brough Sky and Scout out one at a time to where Falcon was. Scout sniffed him for several minutes and licked Falcon’s muzzle. Skywalker came out of the truck, sniffed Falcon’s leg then ran and jumped back in the truck.

For a few days Scout would heavily detail the area where Falcon died. Sky just walked on and didn’t stop.

Skywalker is so much happier now. His entire personality changed on our walks. When I saw how much Falcon had obviously been stressing him, I felt some more guilt for not committing to euthanasia for Falcon.

Things are much easier now. I no longer panic if we are on a walk and I see someone. I just let the dogs go up to them. I have had visitors to the house and I allowed the dogs to be loose (but Skywalker said it was too much stress and he ended up in the bedroom)

If any of this resonates with you; you are not alone. If you know someone who has a dog with serious behavior issues, please be kind with whatever decisions that person makes. Our attitudes often make people hide and feel even more stressed out.

I also highly recommend the Facebook group: Losing Lulu. This wonderful support group is for people who have had an animal die or be euthanized for behavioral reasons. This heavily moderated group is an extremely safe place to post as it is for grief support and discussion only and negative comments will not be tolerated nor will posts asking “why didn’t you do …..”

Visit https://www.facebook.com/groups/losinglulu

It was on this group that a person told me I could love and miss Falcon and also be relieved he was gone.

Scout, Skywalker and I are now navigating our new normal. I still have occasional thoughts of “maybe if I had tried X” I could have helped Falcon. But, in my heart I know I did everything I could have done.

Have a plan for your dog to help it through the holidays

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The holidays are fast upon us, which often means traveling, having people visit, and generally a disruption in normal routines. Many people become stressed during the holidays due to all the changes and the expectations. Our dogs often become stressed as well.

Dogs love a good routine, and they don’t understand why 20 of your distant relatives all showed up at the same time or why your nerves are frazzled trying to spruce up the house for the arriving guests.

Always ask yourself if your dogs enjoy the holidays as much as you do, or would they rather just stay home in a quiet room?

While you might not be able to control how you feel about Great-Aunt Gertrude’s 2000th telling of your disastrous first date or stop your brother from turning on whatever football game there is instead of engaging in family conversation; we can help our pets cope more easily with the holidays.

Because we love our dog, we often want to show it off and let people see how wonderful that dog is. However, not all dogs are that excited about meeting all our friends and relatives.

Unlike you, your dog does not have to be in the middle of that family gathering. If your dog is not a social butterfly find him a quite place in the house to relax. One with a door that shuts and is away from most of the activity is even better. If your dog is truly stressed by visitors consider if he would be happier if you boarded him at his favorite boarding facility.

If you are hosting the family gathering, ask your family not to bring their pets, unless you know your dog already had a great relationship with those pets. Numerous dog fights happen each year when extended family members get together and everyone wants to bring their dog. Think of all the high value food that is around which can cause dog/dog conflict, not to mention the crowds of people and inadequate space for dogs to properly meet.

If your family member cannot leave their pet behind, have a game plan for where that pet will be and how it will be introduced to your pet in a relaxed manner. Make sure the visiting pet will have a quite space to be away from the action if needed.

For those of you traveling, ask yourself if your dog really needs to go with you. We often feel bad boarding our dogs, but if you have chosen the right boarding facility, chances are good your dog may be less stressed there. If your dog must go with you; again, have a plan for where that dog will be staying once it gets there and how it will meet any other dogs and family members.

One of the reasons I crate train my dogs is so when I travel, they will not be stressed if I ask them to go into their crate and hang out, even in a strange home. You do not want to put your dog in a crate for the first time when you are already doing something stressful such as traveling or having company.

Crates and X-pens are a great way to help dogs relax and keep everyone safe and happy during the holidays. This puppy is very relaxed as all the action that could be stressful is on the other side of this X-pen

Most of the calls I get after the holidays involve a dog biting a child or biting some other family member’s dog. Even if your dog has been great with adults that doesn’t mean he will be a fan of small children and while he may like the occasional doggy friend, it doesn’t mean he will be friends with all dogs he meets.

I just got a call from a devastated pet owner whose beloved dog bit a visiting 3-year-old child. When I asked what was going on before the bite; I was told no one saw anything because both the dog and the 3-year-old were under the table while everyone was sitting down to a meal. Never, ever leave your dog alone with a child. A good rule of thumb is this: however old the child is, you should be within that many feet of the dog/child. Example: if the child is 1 years old, an adult should always be within one foot of that dog and child. If the child is 4 years old an adult should always be within 4 feet. That means ALWAYS. It means you can’t go answer the door and leave the dog and child in another room or be pre-occupied getting dinner. Many dog bites to children happen when no one is in the room with the child and dog.

Interactions between dogs and children they do not know can sometimes lead to unfortunate encounters. Always teach children to be respectful of dogs they meet and never leave a child unattended with a dog.

Ask your guests of all ages to be respectful of your dog and her personal space. No one should ever go up to your dog and pet it. NO ONE. Your dog should get to choose whether she wants to engage with visitors. Think about what your dog looks like when she wants you to pet her. What does she do? Does she paw your leg? Bump your hand? She is letting you know she is ready for an interaction. If your dog does not use the same signals to visitors, they should ignore her. Your dog’s job is not to be petted by everyone in your home. Your dog’s job is to not bite anyone, and your job is to ensure you do not set your dog up for failure.  

Especially when children are present, keep a close eye on your dog’s body language. Is your dog constantly moving away from a 5-year-old intent on petting it? If so, that dog is politely asking for the child to stop interacting. Is the dog turning its head away when approached, licking its lips or yawning? You might consider putting the dog in a quiet room away from the action or ensure the child is old enough to understand the dog is asking for some space.

Resources are another hot-button issue when dogs are involved in the holidays. A resource is something a dog may want and which it might be unwilling to share. Think of a piece of ham dropped from the 4-year old’s plate or maybe your dog doesn’t enjoy people (or other dogs) coming near you or its favorite sleeping spot.

These resources often cause a lot of conflict between dogs and between dogs and people they don’t know well. When people are eating it is a great time to give your dog a quiet break away from the action. Encourage people not to share food with the dog, especially if there are multiple dogs in the home.

To simplify everything; just ask yourself how your dog feels about visitors. If she is a social butterfly then let her mix and mingle, but still watch for signs of stress or anxiety and give her a break if needed. If you know your dog is worried about visitors then don’t even attempt to change how she feels during the holidays, instead work with a professional trainer who has behavior modification experience and maybe your dog will be up for the holidays next year.

The social pressures of a public dog

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There is a lot of peer pressure involved in having a dog.

If you are out walking your dog and someone says, “may I pet your dog?” and you reply “no,” you are often met with a version of “oh, is he mean?” We immediately shame the dog and often make the owner feel bad. When I work with clients who have a dog that has snapped at someone in public, I ask why the person was so close to the dog. Often the owner tells me how hard they tried to keep the person away but were unsuccessful or they were pressured into allowing contact.

Dogs that go out in public are asked to tolerate other dogs that might rush up and sniff them, complete strangers who want to crowd their space and pet them, and they are supposed to remain calm with the chaos around them.

There are dogs who are great in public and are social butterflies who appear to have no issues with what life throws their way. These dogs often make other pet owners feel bad, especially those who have a dog that isn’t so happy in public. We may think, “Why can’t my dog behave like that?”

After hanging out for five days at a dog friendly beach on Lake Michigan, I decided more of our dogs could be happy in public if the public would just leave the dogs alone.

This dog was enjoying the beach while on a long lead. Other people with off leash dogs did a great job of keeping their dogs away from this one.

As I walked the beach in the early morning, I would often see dogs off leash running in and out of the water and doing zoomies on the sand. Some of them would come up and sniff me, but most of them ignored me. I ignored them in return. If a dog did come up to me, I stopped, turned slightly sideways to the dog and was silent. I did not look at the dog directly. I kept my hands at my side. If the dog stayed with me and bumped my hand or in some way appeared to want to engage me, I would open my hand and let the dog come in for petting. Generally, the dogs just sniffed me, then dashed away again. Of the 50 or so dogs I saw, I only petted two.

This dog was having a blast on the beach playing ball.

Unfortunately, I saw many people actively trying to get dogs to come to them, or people bending over to pet the dogs that came up to them for a sniff and then the dogs ducking down and dancing away.

Like many people, I felt conflicted. I wished I had my dogs on the beach as I know all three of them would have loved the waves and the sand. But I also know my dogs would not have enjoyed people trying to pet them, or other dogs rushing into their spaces. My dogs are happy to ignore other people and dogs, but they do not enjoy close personal contact with strangers.

These dogs ignored everyone and were very attentive to their person.

So, I don’t take my dogs to places like this and I feel confident that if my dogs could speak English, they would thank me for not putting them into situations where they might feel the need to defend themselves.

There are many dogs who are happier just staying home and while we might wish for our furry friends when we are out and about; it is ok if they aren’t there.

It is important to know your dog. Will he or she be happy in a public place with people who may be rude in terms of canine communication? And if you do take your dog out in public and especially if you are in a place where the dogs are off leash; be sure you have a good recall. Even if your dog is friendly, not everyone wants to meet your dog.

In one case, I was sitting on a beach chair and a dog came running toward me. The owner called to the dog, the dog looked back at the owner, looked at me and came over anyway. The reward of visiting a new person was greater than the reward of going back to the owner. The dog was super friendly and as soon as she sniffed me, she dashed back to her owner. I didn’t mind and found the dog delightful, but there are people who might have been terrified of seeing a large dog dash up to them. In another case a border collie saw me out walking and ran a big arc to get behind me. He kept right in my tracks and put his nose on my leg a few times. He was trying to herd me somewhere. Again, the dog was friendly, but I am sure the herding behavior could have worried a non-dog person. I stopped walking and the dog immediately went back to his owner.

So, do your part to help social dogs remain social in public settings. Just ignore them unless they tell you directly, they want to engage. Remember not all owners know what their dog is saying, so don’t ask the owner if you can pet the dog. Ask the dog. And if someone asks you to not engage with their dog, THANK them for letting you know and give them kudos for knowing their dog vs shaming them into letting you interact with the dog. If your dog doesn’t enjoy the chaos of places such as public parks, farmer’s markets, etc.; then don’t take it. Instead find enriching spots where your dog can have fun.

This post is not meant to debate the off-leash dog aspects of this beach. It was a private beach and it appeared to be accepted behavior for the residents to let their dogs off leash.

Stop! I did not say you could pet me

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Imagine you are walking down the street, just taking in the sights, sounds and smells when suddenly a stranger rushes up and starts shouting, “OMG, I love your hair, that is so soft looking, I must feel it.” And you realize in that moment that you are trapped in a corner and have nowhere to go; plus, it turns out the person approaching you is speaking a foreign language you don’t understand. You have no idea they are talking about your hair. You just see a person rushing at you with their hands out going toward your head.

Really use your imagination and ask yourself what emotions you would be feeling. How about if the stranger was doing that to your child instead of you?

My guess is you would feel panicked, possibly afraid. Will you laugh it off, tolerate the stranger touching you or will you defend yourself with whatever you have available?

Most of us would never tolerate this behavior. And yet we allow it to happen to our dogs daily when we take them out in public and allow people to pet them. Or when we invite visitors into our home and allow the visitors to interact with the dog.

I get emails weekly from people whose dog has growled or snapped at either a visitor to the person’s home or someone reaching to pet the dog on a walk. In most cases the dog was minding its own business when the person approached it and reached out to touch it.

Dogs on a walk are on a leash; they can’t run away if they are worried. Dogs in a home may feel trapped as well.

Why do you think it is OK for people to touch your dog without the dog’s permission? Often, we don’t want to appear rude by telling someone not to touch our dog. We don’t want strangers to think our dog is “aggressive.” And people often do shame the owner by saying, “what’s wrong, does he bite?” if we try and ask that the dog be given space. Or you get the overbearing, “but all dogs love me” person who insists on doing whatever they want.

Most of the time we just don’t know the dog is unhappy until the dog growls, snaps, or bites. Then we blame the dog for being “bad.” Yet, if someone were behaving inappropriately to you or your child and you defended yourself by hitting the person; you would most likely be congratulated for defending yourself. No one would call you “bad” or “aggressive.”

Sadly, many pet owners don’t know their dog is speaking until the dog does growl. But dogs are communicating with their environment constantly.

While we are always telling children “ask permission to pet the dog” we should also ALWAYS be asking the dog what he thinks about being petted.

First, think about your dog. How do you know he wants to be petted? Does he bump your hand, does he paw your leg, rub up against you, give you liquid eyes that implore you to touch him? Believe me, he is doing something that says, “please interact with me.” If your dog is not doing that same thing to the person attempting to pet the dog, then the dog may be saying “not right now.”

If you are on a walk and your dog is on a leash; does the dog back away from the person attempting to pet it? The dog is saying “no.” Does the dog turn its head away or duck its head down when the person reaches in? The dog is saying “no.”  

This dog came up to me. I did not ask it to come to me, she came in loose and wiggly and had plenty of room to get away from me if she decided to. She was clearly communicating, “please interact with me”

And please remember that a dog wagging its tail does not always mean the dog is happy. Many tail wags are asking for social distance. So many people call and say, “he was wagging his tail and then he bit.”

If you have company and a person is sitting on your couch and the dog comes up to sniff the person, that is NOT an invitation for being petted. That is just the dog’s way of gathering more information. Does the dog sniff the person and then walk away? If so, the dog is saying “ok, sit on the couch, I’m going to ignore you for now.”

If the dog is moving away from the person and the person then decides to follow the dog, please step in, and help your dog. This is often when children are bitten as they see the dog leaving and follow it. The dog was probably trying to be polite and get out of a stressful situation. From the dog’s perspective he was clearly communicating. So, what is the dog to think if someone totally ignores that communication? The dog may feel he is being threatened.

Ask yourself if your dog must be friendly to everyone he meets? Would it be ok if he ignored them instead? If your dog must be friends with everyone, then work hard to associate strangers with fun and food and enlist the help of a reward-based trainer if the dog is stressed.

There are always going to be exceptions. There are dogs that appear to solicit attention and then suddenly growl or snap. Dogs can be conflicted. They may want attention, then once it starts happening decide it is too much. These are often dogs who have been stressed over and over by previous encounters with strangers. Please immediately contact a reward-based trainer if this describes your dog.

And when I say stranger, I don’t always mean a person the dog has never met. Dogs can have conflict with your neighbor or a relative, even if the dog has met that person in the past. Maybe the dog just isn’t feeling the love that day, he still gets to say “no” if the neighbor wants to pet him.

Remember, your dog is always communicating. We need to do a better job of listening to what the dog is saying.

This dog has plenty of opportunities to run away if he gets too stressed by this encounter. He has a paw slightly lifted and his ears are down, possible indicators he is not 100 percent sure about this encounter, but when the child stepped away from him a few seconds later, he followed her and asked for more attention.